Living with Bipolar Disorder

Now that we have explained what bipolar disorder is in the blog post here, I thought I would share some of my experience of living with it.

I wanted to write this today while I am having a “bad” bipolar day.

I think the easiest way to describe it would be having a hard time controlling your emotions. Absolutely nothing can be wrong, but the overwhelming thoughts in your head may be too much.

I’ll explain this in more detail.

How It Can Affect Your Daily Life:

It was a normal day; I woke up tired, but grateful for another day and a fresh start to the week (it was Monday). The day started off great… I was happy, content, normal, nothing wrong. There is still nothing truly wrong, but I feel different. I feel off. I feel like my world is dull and I am hopeless. Something has triggered me, but it isn't just one thing, it is a combination of things over time. I started getting very frustrated, irritable, small things are making me extremely angry. This feeling of irritation started probably a week ago, at least from what I can remember. It can be small things, like the feeling of dirt on my bare feet in my apartment, dropping/spilling something, something someone said to me that keeps playing over and over again in my head (usually an insult), someone being mad or upset with me, my dog being annoying, honestly any number of things that start to add up over time. I have been trying to recognize my triggers, but it can be hard to pinpoint when it's more of an accumulation of all sorts of things. Today, my frustration started with having to go to the office, then all the mail, then mail being in the wrong place, opening the mail – this part frustrates me the most because the mail opener cutter thing sucks and barely works and little tears of envelope come off and get on my pants, then a customer calls, I am interrupted from my work, customer is annoying and asking me something I shouldn’t have to do, back to the mail, still annoyed, want to go home. I finish at the office, and I’m extremely frustrated with my emotions at this point. Not even sure why I am upset, but I am. I’m not sure what to do about it. I tried some mindfulness there – recognizing how I was feeling especially in my body to see if I could pinpoint this anger… nothing. I tried some deep breaths to calm myself down, it didn’t really work. I get to the car and I’m on the verge of just full-blown rage. I turn my music up to drown out the thoughts in my head, the intrusive and bad thoughts. This part of a song that I really love comes on and tears just start pouring out of me. I make it home. I walk through the door and am overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do, but don’t want to do. The tears are still there from the car, but I can really let them out now. I sit down at my desk, feeling sad, angry, upset, stressed, overwhelmed. I start crying even harder and I have a panic attack. I’m used to panic attacks, so I get control of my breathing, and it ends (blog post on surviving a panic attack here). Phew, the wave of intensity has passed. I take some deeper breaths and try to recenter myself. I drink some water, and I go lay down in my bed because at this point, my brain just hurts. I tear up a little as I try to recenter myself. I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know why I am here feeling this way. I sulk for about 10 minutes. I still have so much work to do, so as much as I want to lay in bed and try again tomorrow, I can’t. I find whatever motivation I can and continue the work day.

Thoughts that went through my head today:

"I want to feel normal. I want to not be so controlled by my emotions. I want to not be like this. I want to not be bipolar."

I am "fine" now. It’s been about an hour since all of that. There is still frustration, sadness, a feeling of hopelessness, but I have to keep being a human. I have to finish my work day despite having an episode. And this is just the beginning of the episode, it will hopefully only last for a few days or maybe this was the final day, I don't know. What I do know is that I felt it building for a few days and it finally got to my breaking point today. It starts off with the irritation (last week), the frustration over such silly things, the creeping depressive thoughts. Looking at the symptoms of a depressive episode (here), I am able to recognize that I am in a depressive episode. Here are the ones I am experiencing right now: sadness and low mood, loss of interest in activities, lack of motivation, low energy and fatigue, change in appetite (haven't been hungry today), feeling hopeless, uncontrollable crying, irritability, and suicidal ideation. I had tried pushing the depressive episode away, but I don’t think I can. It’s part of me. It’s my mental illness and I have to live with it, but I am learning how to manage it and hopefully can help others learn how to manage it.

I am not on mood stabilizers or any medication to treat bipolar disorder. I go to therapy and try to do what I can to manage my symptoms. I have hypomanic episodes and depressive episodes. I am currently in a depressive episode. I am unsure as to how long it will last. I believe I was in a hypomanic episode for the last few weeks.

The thing about bipolar disorder is you don't know when or what is going to set you off. You don't know when the manic or hypomanic episode will end and when the depressive episode will come back. You don't know how long they will last. It could be days, it could be weeks, it could be months. It is all uncertain. Most of the time, you don't even know what caused the shift.

This is why is important to try to learn your triggers, but that can be hard too because it usually isn't just one thing, it is the combination of multiple things. So what can you do?

It seems like you are just doomed. At least that's how I feel right now in my depressive episode. I am thinking about the hypomanic episode and having some guilt there. I was bad with my money, I have spent more than I have and now I am in a financial hole that I have to try to get out of. That part sucks. The guilt and then the stress of spending too much money when you were in a manic (or hypomanic) episode. It's almost like you need someone to supervise your decisions. If you are like me though and a single adult, there is no one around to do that. Sometimes I feel so ashamed that I don't tell anyone how much I've spent, I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I can't control myself.

Let's start with this: It is okay to feel ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty. If it makes you feel better to think about it this way - it wasn't you, it was your mental illness. That's at least what I am going to tell myself.

I think the reminder that you have a mental illness is a good place to start. Try to not blame yourself, blame the illness. I don't know if I would consider that good advice, but hey you know, maybe it helps. It's helping me, at least.

I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me (well besides being bipolar, but you know what I mean). It is okay to have a mental illness. We shouldn't feel bad about that. It is not our fault that we have it. Plus a lot of other people have it, too. So end the shame, the guilt, and the embarrassment you are holding towards yourself and your mental illness. It is okay. It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to have a mental illness. It is okay to be honest with yourself about that.

Another thought about the shame, guilt, and embarrassment. I struggle with allowing myself to not be okay while in a depressive episode. Feeling like I'll waste time if I succumb to my depressive episode and rest. This is so silly. I NEED that rest. I NEED to take it easy. I am allowed to sit in my depressive episode if I need to.

The second thought of that though is try not to sit in it for too long. Try to do things that will make you feel good. I know it is hard and you don't want to do it, but try, for me.

I don't want to go for a run today, I want to go lay in my bed. How can I do both? A little bit of this and a little bit of that. I'm going to go for a short run even though I really don't want to and it is going to take so much for me to do it, but I know it will make me feel the slightest bit better. The motivation is that I will feel somewhat better. Then I will reward myself with rest after that. I will succumb to my depression and rot in bed AFTER I go for a run. (P.S. I just went on my run and while there is still the looming sadness, I do feel a lot better than I did!!).

This is very important, finding the things that will make you feel better. Again, I know it is hard because when you are feeling the way I am right now, you don't want to do that shit. Quite frankly, you want to die. BUT WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO THAT. Because life is worth living, so find some things that remind you of that!

What to Do on Bad Days?

Examples of things I do to feel better when I am in a depressive episode:

• Run (exercise, just walk if you can't run)

• Get outside (either for a run or walk or literally just go sit on a blanket out there, smell some flowers, touch some grass, breathe in some fresh air)

• Self-care

  • Take a bath

  • Make yourself a good meal

  • Order in

  • Put on a face mask

  • Shave

  • Shower

  • Moisturize

  • Watch your favorite show/movie

  • Relaaaax

• Do something creative (write, read, paint, draw, do a puzzle, etc.)

• Listen to upbeat music

• Cry (sometimes you need to)

• Drink water

• Turn your phone off or put it on DND

  • Before doing this, tell someone how you are feeling / what is going on and make sure they can get past your DND in case they need to check on you

  • It is very important to make sure someone knows you are not okay. Think of your closest friend and just tell them you are not okay right now, but you are trying to be. It is good to have support during a depressive episode and make sure someone knows so they can be there for you if you need them.

  • This was a hard thing for me to start doing, but it feels so much better when I have told at least one person where I am at.

• Try to stay in your normal routine (as much as you can)

• Be patient with yourself

• Be kind to yourself

These are just examples of things I find that help. There are so many other things you can do, but I think it's best to take it easy. You don't need to overdo it or put even more stress/pressure on yourself to accomplish more than you are able to. I could clean my apartment, but that seems daunting right now. It will probably make me feel better though, so maybe I start somewhere small - make my bed, clean the dishes, take out the trash. Then if I have more motivation later or tomorrow, I can clean more. It's important to not do too much because that might just make it worse. Keep it easy and simple.

A reminder: the depressive episode will pass. You will get through it. You will be okay. It may be hard right now, but you have felt this way before and you've gotten through it then and you will get through it now.

Helpful Tips for Bipolar Disorder (Daily Management):

I also want to talk about some things that help with bipolar disorder in general, not just when I am in a depressive episode. Just day to day life management if you will.

It's very important to figure out what things bring you joy or maybe not even joy, but that at least make you feel good (healthy AND safe things!). It doesn't have to be like "omg I feel AMAZING" type things like you just had great sex or something, but I'm talking like you ate a grape after not eating one for a while and remember how good it is. Or you know whatever fruit you enjoy... if you hate grapes, I'm sorry. Could be a piece of fresh watermelon that tastes perfect, cantaloupe, strawberry, pineapple, you get the point. I was just naming fruits I have recently rediscovered my love for. It could be any type of food though that tastes really good, preferably one that makes you feel good too though (what I mean by that is it's on the healthy, nutritional side). That is the level of good these things should make you feel, but if you can get that "AMAZING I JUST HAD GREAT SEX" feeling, by all means, get it.

Disclaimer: Please do not go out trying to get that. If you are already in a relationship and can easily get it, then do that, but don't go searching for some great sex from random people because while it may feel good in the moment, it feels kind of crappy afterwards (at least for me and from my experience).

Alright, back to the things that make you feel good. I'm talking about simple things because sometimes you can find the greatest joy in the simple and/or small things. For example:

• going to treat yourself to an iced coffee/latte

• just sitting in a coffee shop listening to the chatter of people

• people watching

• reading a book outside

• going for a walk

• going for a bike ride

• sitting by the ocean (or a body of water if you are not close to the ocean)

• going for a swim

• watching your favorite show

• laying in a warm, comfy bed

• getting in clean sheets after a hot shower

• taking off your makeup after a long day

• putting on your pajamas / lounge clothes after a long day

• eating a nutritious meal

• drinking water

• buying yourself something you've been wanting for a long time (if you have the financial ability to)

• talking to a good friend you haven't talked to in a while

• laughing

• meditating

• painting

• puzzling (the act of doing a puzzle)

• drawing

• dancing

• making a collage

• playing a game

• going to an event

  ... I could keep going, but we'll stop there.

These are just examples. If none of these sparked any interest for you, check this list for some more basic simple pleasures I found on the internet. This is just to give you an idea of ways to find the things that make you feel good.

It is very important to find these things because they will pave the way back to some contentment after a depressive episode, or help you feel less depressed during a depressive episode. They are also helpful for managing bipolar disorder in general.

You can also pick up a hobby or two. Hobbies help take your mind off the things that may bring you stress (i.e. work or school). I have found that with my hobbies, I am generally happier. Some of mine are writing (obviously), reading, photography, running, mental health awareness (I'm not sure if that can be considered a hobby, but it's one of mine). If you don't have a hobby, try some different ones until you find one you like! If you are unsure as to how to find a hobby, check here.

More Daily Management:

Now let's get back to the daily management of bipolar disorder. This is a little tricky since there is such a drastic shift from a manic/hypomanic episode to a depressive episode and each needs to be treated differently. There are also periods of normalcy (known as euthymia). Unfortunately, there isn't really a way to control our mood shifts, but we can try to manage the extremity and/or severity of them.

Disclaimer: I am talking from experience as someone who is not on medication to treat bipolar disorder.

What I do during a hypomanic episode is quite similar to what I do during my periods of normalcy, as well as what I try to keep doing during a depressive episode which is what I mean by daily management of bipolar disorder.

There are some things I do not recommend doing during hypomanic episodes. These would be:

• spending more money than you have

• taking any big risks (either financially or personally or in business)

• same goes with big decisions - hold off on those if you are in a manic or hypomanic state

• not sleeping (sometimes you may feel like you don't need sleep when in a manic episode, but you still do!)

• drinking and/or using drugs

• making risky sexual decisions

Now let's get to things I do recommend! Again this is for daily management of bipolar disorder - whether you are in a period of normalcy (euthymia), a manic or hypomanic episode, or a depressive episode (except go easy on yourself when in a depressive state). These will help you balance the shifts in your mood as well as possibly lessen the duration of a depressive episode.

• Find healthy and safe things that make you feel good (as stated above)

• Get a hobby (also stated above)

• Eat a balanced and nutritious diet

• Exercise

• Stay hydrated (drink your water!!)

• Try to maintain a sober lifestyle

• Find a good support system (can just be one good friend that you trust)

• Journal about your feelings

• Read self-help books

• Keep your home relatively clean and organized

• Take care of yourself

• Develop a morning and nighttime routine if you don't already have one

• Incorporate rest into your schedule (you need it)

• Maintain a healthy sleeping schedule

• Follow positive accounts on social media

• Pray (can be to anything, a higher power, God, the universe, angels, etc.)

• If praying is too much, try practicing being spiritual (believing in something can help)

• Meditate

• Practice mindfulness

• Therapy (if you can)

• Practice self compassion

These are just a few of the things that I do that help me. I explain more ways that have helped me be at a place of peace with myself in this blog post.

I do not have it all figured out by any means, but I am trying my best. Living a healthier life helps me manage my bipolar disorder. It helps me combat the depressive episodes. It helps me stay grounded during my hypomanic episodes. I have been able to get my depressive episodes from lasting months to weeks to sometimes now only days at a time.

We are all different and need different things. Find what you need.

For me, I need someone that shows up for me with empathy, compassion, and kindness which means showing up for myself with those things because sometimes we can’t get it from someone else. When I found love within myself and the ability to give myself what I needed, I no longer searched for it in other people and that helped me tremendously. I also need to stay in a healthy routine because that makes me feel my best.

Again, we may have different ideas of what some of these things look like, so it is important that you find what works best for you. It may take some trial and error. It may take time. Do not give up. You've got this.

Please take everything I say with a grain of salt. I am just one person talking from her own experience with bipolar disorder. I do not have any medical or educational background, just research, reading, and experience. I am not a professional. I simply just want to share my experience in hopes that it helps anyone struggling with the same thing.

As always, we are here for you. Please reach out if you need support.

You are not alone here.

Now I will go succumb to my depressive episode and rot in my bed for the rest of the night because like I said earlier, you need rest and you deserve rest, don't forget that.