My Story

I thought it was time to share a little about myself and my story to help you all understand why I started this website, as well as inspire and give hope to anyone struggling.

My name is Maddie, I am the founder of No Lives Lost. I started this website a few years ago in hopes to create a safe online space for people struggling with mental health. It was something I did not have growing up that I think could have helped me through some really dark times. I felt very alone and the internet made me feel even worse. I don't want anyone to ever feel like that, like they have to struggle in silence and like there is no one that understands their pain, their trauma, their struggles. I especially don't want anyone to feel like the internet is just a place to shame, bully, or harass someone when they are struggling.

I guess it will be easiest to start from the beginning, but I don't want this to be an extremely long read, so I will try to keep it as short as I can while still being concise.

I was born in Indiana, but moved to Kentucky when I was around four years old. I had a pretty normal family life despite my parents getting divorced when I was five. I don't want to go in to all the nitty gritty details of my home life and growing up, because I'm not ready to open that can of worms yet, but I'll share this - I was cared for as a child and I remember being mostly happy, however, there were certain things that I went through that resulted in me feeling very alone by the time I entered middle school. Once I was in high school, things started to get really bad which could be attributed to a combination of things.

Part of the reason why I felt very alone in middle school is because I was being bullied and it really took a toll on me. I was called "anorexic" because of how skinny I was. It got so bad once MySpace became a thing - a kid in my class put my face on a picture of a starving child's body and shared it with the entire class through a MySpace bulletin. That was harsh and I remember being so hurt by it. All of those comments about my weight actually then fueled an eating disorder in me later. When I got to high school, my friends changed, I changed. I met some older kids at school, I started smoking weed. At this point, I was feeling sad and lost. My home life wasn't the best, issues with my dad (I will not be going into this any further, but there were a lot of issues here that have caused lifelong pain and trauma) and fighting with my sister who was going through her own struggles at the time (I will also not be going into this any further, but there's more that could be said). My mom traveled for work to provide a good home life for us which meant we spent a lot of time under the care of irresponsible and crappy babysitters. I was alone a lot. I felt very disconnected from my family (which could be attributed to the weed smoking), like I did not fit in with them or they didn't understand me. Just the normal teenage life crisis of feeling like you don't belong. I hid in my room a lot because of these feelings, closing myself off and barely speaking to anyone except close friends, but those weren't very meaningful or productive conversations, more surface-level.

When I started smoking weed, I found out how I could kind of disappear from the world for a while. I liked that feeling. I liked being numb. Then I started self-harming around age 14 because that also made me not feel the emotional pain, it was an escape. "Escapism is the illusion of safety, but what we're really running from is the moments that ask us to feel. Presence doesn't hurt. Resisting it does. I didn't need saving. I needed to stop running. But when the present feels like a battlefield, escapism can look a lot like peace." (I will share more from this quote when I get to the good part - taken from @the.recovery.club on Instagram and thought it was fitting here - link to specific post).

Now there is so much to this part of my story, but I don't find it necessary to go into all the details, just maybe the highlights. I started self-harming very frequently. I started having sex (I lost my virginity to a friend and the entire school found out - that sucked). I started starving myself to keep up my image of being skinny and "anorexic". I smoked weed probably every day. If I didn't have weed, I would try to find anything else I could to get me high which meant I started trying other drugs. Anything I could get my hands on. I wanted more than anything to not feel. I was chasing the "high" (I was chasing the escape). At one point, I was taking 15-20 ibuprofen a day to help myself "not feel". In my adolescent brain, I thought "pain reliever", it will help numb the emotional pain and maybe eventually kill me! Oh how naive I was - this would cause health issues later in my life (when I didn't want to die anymore). I was barely sleeping because I had insomnia. My mom found out I was self-harming because a dear friend of mine told her. Thank god she did. I started to get help. I was diagnosed with manic depression (aka bipolar disorder) and severe anxiety and given anti-depressants. Before the anti-depressants kicked in though, everything really started to have an affect on me which led me to almost take my own life at age 16. This was the first and only close attempt, but not the last time I thought about it and almost did it. I had everything planned out, my sister was away at college, my mom was out of town, I had a letter written to my close friends and my family telling them not to blame themselves, that I just wanted the pain to stop (one note here - if you have letters to write, you have reasons to stay). I didn't go through with it because I went to my bedroom and found a note on my pillow from my mom that said "I am so proud of you and I love you so much". I realized I couldn't go through with it. Not everyone is as lucky as I was that day.

I planned to attempt again after I graduated high school (and again at 20, 21, after college, at 30, at 50, etc.). The anti-depressants (100mg of Zoloft) did save me for a while but there was still an overwhelming sense of sadness and emptiness in me. This lasted for years. The anti-depressants eventually just made me numb and I didn't feel much of anything - sadness nor joy. I got accepted to my dream school - San Diego State University and my dream of getting the hell out of Kentucky was coming true. I was happy-ish, but I was scared and I wasn't going to have to take my own life anymore, at least not until after college.

At 18, I left home in Kentucky and moved to San Diego. College was good, but I still felt numb. I was smoking weed every single day. I was selling weed to keep up with my smoking habit. I didn't ever drink much because my dad is an alcoholic and I thought if I waited until I was 21 then I would be fine.

Boy, was I wrong? I started drinking at 21 and I did not stop. I became an alcoholic. Alcohol really helps you not feel anything. It helps you move on from painful things. However, it is a temporary relief. None of your problems go away, you just don't feel them as much. But they will catch up to you, I learned that the hard way.

From the ages of 21 to 28, I went through an abusive relationship, multiple sexual assaults, a lot of self-harm and suicidal ideation, and so much more, but that's a quick synopsis. I had a good job, I had my own apartment, I had a car, I took care of all my bills, but I was not okay. I was an alcoholic addict. I still wanted to die. I hated myself. I hated my life.

(Also side note here, I went off anti-depressants on my own at age 22. After being on them since I was 16. I was tired of feeling numb. I was okay for a while, but then I dated someone that would later abuse me and I was fortunate enough to feel that pain, but that was a lot of pain to handle. I also lost someone very important to me and I never fully grieved that death because of my drinking).

It wasn't until I turned 29 that I took a long and deep look into the mirror. At this point, I had felt miserable and depressed for the last fifteen years with brief periods of happiness and feeling okay, but for the most part miserable, depressed and full of self-hatred. On my 29th birthday, I had just been broken up with by someone I fell madly in love with but it ended quickly because he saw me for who I was - an alcoholic addict that hated herself. It wasn't the first time someone had not wanted to date me because of my drinking, but it was the first time someone said it directly. It also wasn't just this that brought me to change my life. It was an accumulated rock bottom. It was wanting to die multiple times over the last fifteen years. It was all the times I felt hopeless and powerless. This was just the very bottom of the rock that finally initiated a change in myself.

Three weeks after my 29th birthday, I had my last drink and haven't drank since (July 13, 2024). I had a night where I was a complete mess and the next day I had a couple drinks and decided I was done for good. I wanted sobriety. I wanted to get better. I wanted to not be the girl that gets broken up with because of her drinking. I wanted to love myself and my life. The life I created for myself that I was just letting go to waste.

Since then, I have completely turned my life around. There were a lot of hard moments in sobriety, but they have all been rewarding and nothing has been as hard or bad as continuing to live the way I was would have been. There was a point in early sobriety that I was on the verge of taking my own life again. Even to this day, I still struggle with my mental health, but I am able to find healthy ways to cope. Something that is completely foreign to me.

Now I wish I could say that I have been self-harm clean for however many years, but that isn't the truth. I struggled with self-harm throughout high school, got clean, struggled with it again during college, got clean for maybe six years, struggled again after the abusive relationship, then was clean for a bit, struggled again recently, and now have been clean for about seven months and fight to stay clean every day.

I also wish I could say I didn't think about taking my own life multiple times. I had many close calls over the last 15 years. I thought about it all the time. I almost did it more than a few times, but stopped every time because I couldn't imagine the pain it would cause my family. I figured the pain I was feeling would be less than the pain they would feel if I decided to end my life. If I had ever decided to end my life, I would have never had the chance to get to this point, to be able to find peace within myself, to be able to share my story, to inspire others. Ending my life may have solved the pain, but I would have never gotten to experience anything ever again - the good, the bad, the painful, the beautiful. Now I am grateful to get to experience it all, yes, even the bad. I am so grateful that I can feel again, feel all the emotions.

Now this was a very short but "sweet" explanation of my life and my story. There are a lot of details I did not go into as to protect myself and my family. There are things they do not know that would harm them, but for the purpose of this story and understanding how I got to where I am, I will provide some details that I left out... my drinking was way worse than I thought it was, my partying was way worse than I can go into detail about, my sexual relationships were harmful to myself and my mental health, my eating disorder lasted for longer than I would like to admit, and there is so much more to my life than what I share here. I left out many details that I can't quite share and some of them are probably the most traumatic and damning things. The things I do explain here like heartbreak, loss, trauma, grief, abuse, alcoholism/addiction, sexual assault, PTSD are just a few of the things I struggled with. Just a reminder that there is usually more to it than what someone shares.

That is enough about the past and how bad it was. I know my story may not seem that bad. I know my pain may not seem that bad. I know there are people that have it soooo much worse than me. However, we do not share our pain to compare our pain. Everyone hurts. Everyone has different pain. Everyone has their own story. My pain is exactly that - MY pain. We all experience it in different degrees and just because mine may not be as bad as someone else's doesn't mean it didn't affect me, but I'm done using it as an excuse for my poor behavior, poor attitude, and poor life choices.

So let's get to the good part!! How the hell did I get to where I am today? How am I able to write this with ease? How am I able to be at a place of peace? How have I healed? How have I become a better person? How have I found happiness? How I have learned to love myself? These are the important questions.

It started with sobriety, but it didn't end with sobriety. Sobriety is what kickstarted this journey and I wouldn't be where I am without it. It wasn't just sobriety though, it has been everything that comes with sobriety.

I don't want to make anyone feel like they have to get sober to find themselves and happiness, but I will say that it helped me tremendously. However, I am an alcoholic and needed it. There are people that are able to drink normally and may not need to go down the sober route.

I will say though that once I quit drinking, things started to change. I got mental clarity for the first time in a long time, hell maybe ever. I started to feel alive again. I no longer had dead eyes. I wasn't waking up hungover, depressed, and ashamed. I was doing things I wanted to do - things that brought me joy and that were good for me. I was also seeing things a lot clearer meaning I was seeing myself and my relationships clearer. I realized how much bad behavior I tolerated, not just from other people but bad behavior from myself. Like I said, I took a deep and long look in the mirror. I don't necessarily mean a physical mirror either, I mean a metaphorical one. Open yourself up and be prepared to let go of everything you have ever known.

What I mean by this is there is a lot that holds us back, that makes us the people that we are. I'm not saying to forget that stuff or even let go of it, but be willing to stop holding onto it.

"We cannot unlive our painful history, but we do not have to relive it. We cannot let go of it, but we do not have to hold on to it." - David Richo, How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving).

Be willing to completely destroy who you are to come out on the other side as a better, happier, healthier version of yourself. You have to wipe the slate clean in order to transform into someone different. Someone you love, someone you can be proud of, someone that you feel is worthy of living a beautiful life.

It is HARD. Nothing about this process has been easy. Especially as someone with bipolar disorder. I have had to experience my mental illness sober and with a completely clear mind - no mind altering substances - for the first time in my life. Navigating the manic highs and the depressive lows has been terrifying at times, but I am still grateful to feel them now so that I can better understand my mental illness.

You have to be willing to lose yourself. You have to be willing to lose people. BUT in turn, you will find yourself and you will find people that are good to you and good for you.

I will share some things that have helped me the most in an effort to help anyone else wanting to create a better life for themself.

1. Sobriety

2. Therapy

3. Alcoholics Anonymous

4. Music

5. Hobbies

6. Exercise

7. Diet

8. Writing

9. A good support system

10. Reading

11. Self reflection

12. Time / Patience

13. Praying

14. Gratitude

These are just a few things that have helped me and I want to share exactly how each one has helped me and brought me to where I am.

1. Sobriety - this speaks for itself. Alcohol and drugs can deeply alter your mind. They affect your mental health, your relationships, your finances, your self-esteem, your ambitions, etc. Choosing to be sober and face life with a clear mind is the best choice you can make for yourself. It may be hard, but it is SO worth it.

2. Therapy - not everyone may have the finances for therapy, but if you do, I highly recommend it. I choose a therapist that was willing to take a natural approach with me - focused on DBT (mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness). I had tried anti-depressants and I did not like the way they made me feel after being on 100mg of Zoloft for 6 years, I was able to make that choice for myself. Medicine works for some, it doesn't for others. I am not saying it didn't work for me, it definitely did at that time when I first was put on them, but I was ready to put in the work myself this time without relying on medication. This was what would be best for me at this point in my life. I also found a therapist that I connected with, that I felt safe with. He is empathetic and sensitive to my situation, offering his sincere apology for the things I had to endure and making sure I am recognized for the work I have done. As well as helping me see where I made mistakes and where I was at fault. That was very important to me. With therapy, I have learned to cope in healthy ways. We set up a relapse prevention plan in one of my first sessions, to make sure I have the tools in place that I need when things start to get bad. This has allowed me the safety and peace of mind to talk about my trauma and heal from it. The best way to heal is to talk about it, feel it, then move through it. You have to sit with your pain. If you ignore it, if you numb it, you never can heal from it. I have healed from things I did not even realize I needed to heal from.

3. Alcoholics Anonymous - this is where the real work (along with therapy) is being done. The twelve steps are so pivotal for anyone trying to overcome alcoholism/addiction. At first, I was very turned off by AA, not interested and didn't want to do it. Mostly because of the religious aspect of it as someone that is not religious. However, after about 6-7 months of sobriety, I felt something was lacking. I was struggling with even admitting that I was an alcoholic/addict and I wasn't putting in the work to stay sober, I was just sober which is great and all, but to really transform your life, you need the program and you need to do the step work. The program can also help you overcome the damage you caused while in active alcoholism/addiction. So I started going to AA meetings, I started slow, just sitting in the back and not saying anything. Then I started going to more meetings, finding ones I liked, finding friends in meetings, going to fellowship (activities together like eating after meetings), and finally decided to ask someone to be my sponsor. A sponsor will take you through the twelve steps. I did this all at my own rate which I think was best for me as I am very stubborn and independent and like to do things my own way. Once I finally got a sponsor though, I took her suggestions and I listened to her. Just in the last few months of being in AA, I have had a huge transformation, one I wouldn't have been able to have without AA. I now wish I had gone sooner, but I needed to do it on my own time and when I was ready or I don't think I would have been as successful. However, some people do need that push and a little force to AA. I wanted to get sober and become better which is why it worked the way it did for me. I have had a spiritual awakening, I believe in a higher power now and I pray every day (still so weird to say that as someone who is/was very anti-religious). I am still only on step four which is to make a fearless and moral inventory of myself. This is where the true work happens. Where I look at myself and see what I did wrong, see how I was selfish. It is making me re-think everything I have known about myself. AA is where I had to let go everything I knew (or rather didn't know) and trust that it works, and it has not failed me at all. I am able to be at a place of peace because of AA and I have not even finished all twelve steps yet.

4. Music - this is just a personal one for me because of how huge of an impact music plays in my life. I am constantly listening to music. The lyrics heal me. They help me to feel less alone. To hear that other people feel the same way I do helps me. I am very much a lyric person and listening to relatable lyrics helps me. I find parts of myself I didn't know existed in music. Thank you to all the artists that are open about their struggles.

5. Hobbies - this is a big one. I can't express how important it is to find hobbies you enjoy, activities that bring you happiness. My only hobby used to be drinking/partying... no wonder I was so sad and miserable. It also meant I heavily relied on other people to bring me happiness / keep me occupied and when that failed, I turned to alcohol. Now that I have things I enjoy doing, I find myself happier. It is especially helpful if you dislike your day job to find something you enjoy doing after you get off work. Some of the hobbies I enjoy are taking pictures (photography), painting (not good at it, but it's fun), writing (always a good way to get your feelings out), reading (especially self-help books but I'll get to that), walking (just nice to be outside), rock climbing, home projects (not really a hobby but a fun way to improve things around the house and also keep yourself occupied), concerts (if you have the funds and are comfortable being around alcohol if you are sober), puzzles, art projects (collages, vision boards, painting, drawing, etc.), running, bike rides. These are just a few examples, but it is so important to find things that bring you joy while also providing you with a safe and healthy activity.

6. Exercise - another big one. For me, when I feel my best physically, I feel my best mentally. Exercise can be hard to get into, especially if you are out of shape (like I was). It can feel daunting and hard at first, but give yourself time and patience and most importantly compassion if you are just starting out. I do not have the financial ability to go to a gym, however, I know gyms can be helpful for people because it gives them that motivation/discipline to actually work out rather than working out at home where there is no discipline. I like to just go for long walks if I'm not feeling like doing a harder work out. Walking 3-4 miles a day is all around good for you. Now I am not trying to be a super muscular fit girlie, just a semi-fit girlie, so I do home workouts with small weights from Youtube videos, this works for me. I do an ab workout almost every day - also from Youtube. It's free and you can pause it if you need to and do it at your own pace. Show up for yourself with compassion when you start working out. Start small and build from there.

7. Diet - was going to say another big one, but honestly they are all big ones. This is very, very important and goes hand in hand with feeling my best physically makes me feel the best mentally. I am very conscious of what I put in my body, maybe because I wasn't for so long, but we truly are what we eat. Eating like crap usually makes you feel like crap. I have almost completely cut out processed foods (I'll have the occasional bag of chips but I go for the "healthy" organic alternative - think Annie's Cheddar Squares). I do not drink soda or anything really high in sugar. If I want a soda, I have a Zevia. Every now and then I treat myself to a real soda, but it's maybe once a week. This helps with bloating. I don't eat a lot of salt because of a history of kidney stones - this also helps with bloating. I eat very lean, very clean, high protein, low carb. My go to dinner is 99% lean, 1% fat ground turkey mixed with different sides. I drink a homemade smoothie every day. Eggs, fruit, veggies (carrots, cucumbers to snack on), non-processed meat, nuts, etc. I definitely still don't eat as much as I probably should, but I eat what works for me and what makes me feel good. I read the ingredients of almost everything that goes into my body and stray away from any things I can't pronounce (good rule of thumb). Natural and organic when I can and if finances allow. Diet is a huge part of feeling your best physically and mentally. Oh and don't forget - drink a shit ton of water!!! Health is wealth!

8. Writing - this is something that helps me process my emotions. I have always been a writer from short stories, to diary style entries, to poetry. When I am struggling, I take the pen to the paper and I get my feelings out. I also do self-compassion journaling at night and if I made a mistake or was hard on myself during any part of the day, I write to myself with positive affirmations and compassion for myself. It's a good way to practice self-love. Writing also can help you heal from things that have hurt you. Maybe you were hurt by someone and are unsure as to how to express that, write it out. You don't have to give it to them, it can just be to help you process how you are feeling.

9. A good support system - this has been a pivotal part of my healing. I realized I did not have a good support system. I did not have people I could rely on. I had drinking and party buddies. I didn't have people that actually cared about how I was doing or would be there if I needed them. Now that I do, I rarely even feel like I need them. There are of course times that I do, but I find myself able to self-soothe now and that may be because I know I have the support if I need it. Having good people in your life that you can be honest with and that don't judge you or belitte you and that show up for you with compassion is extremely important. This may look like cutting some people off that don't show up for you and that is okay. You are allowed to cut people off if they are not bringing something positive to your life. Forget how many years you have known them or been friends with them, think about if them being in your life is a positive thing, if the friendship is a good fit for you. When you become better, everyone else around you becomes better too.

10. Reading - I love to read. Reading can be a nice little escape from your own world. Get lost in the characters. Feel connected to the characters. But don't forget that if you are reading fiction, it is just that - fiction. Try to not get too lost or start to long for what they have in the books because that isn't realistic and can be detrimental to your mental health in the long run. I also read a lot of self-help books which I find are my favorites lately and have made me really change my outlook on things. I read a lot about depression, about how to live a good life, about how to love better, etc. Feel free to reach out if you need any book recommendations like that.

11. Self Reflection - you have to be willing to look at yourself and do some self-reflecting. Without self reflection, you won't grow. However, to truly do self reflection, you have to be okay with being on your own for a while. Get comfortable with yourself again, find joy in yourself again. I have done so much self reflection over the last 11 months and it has gotten me to where I am today. Without it, I may still be doing the same shit, having the same shitty attitude, and trying to blame everyone else for my problems. Or even worse, blaming my pain and my trauma on my shitty behavior. Self reflection is a pivotal part of healing and growth. Being conscious of how you treat others will help you treat people better. With self reflection though, you will need self compassion. I have had to look myself in the mirror and say "I hate you", but then moments later, turn it around and say "I love you and it's okay". As long as you are constantly working on bettering yourself, then you are doing great. You will get better.

12. Time/Patience - they say time heals all and they don't lie. I know it's such a cliche, but really it's true. Give yourself time to heal. It isn't linear and it doesn't happen overnight. I am an extremely impatient person and one thing I have learned over the last year is how to be patient. The universe / my higher power has a plan for me and I need to trust it. I need to be patient - with myself, with my healing, with my progress, with my growth. Being patient has been so hard for me, but once I started to let go of my expectations and just trusted that things would work out when they were meant to, they started to. It took me being patient to get where I am now.

13. Praying - still so weird hearing me say that. I never thought I would be someone that would pray every day, but when you hit your lowest and have no other option, you pray. At first, I didn't even know who I was praying to, but I needed help. I got down on my knees at a very weak moment - about 4.5 months into sobriety - just lost and confused still and desperate for it all to end, thinking about taking my own life and I prayed for the first time in my life. I asked for a sign, a song came on my shuffle that said "angels surround you". I didn't know what kind of sign I needed or wanted, but that was enough for me. Fast forward a few months and I started praying every day. It has saved me. When I feel good, when I feel bad, when I feel hopeless, when I just need to talk, when I need to stay sober, my higher power is there for me. Praying may not be for everyone, I definitely didn't think it was for me, but I am grateful that I gave it a chance because it has changed everything for me.

14. Gratitude - practicing gratitude is a great way to remind yourself of all that you do have when you are having a tough time. I send a gratitude list to my sponsor every night. It helps me stay consistent and it makes me stay grateful for the life I have. The life I built for myself. Even on days when I don't feel the best and feel like I have nothing to be grateful for, I can always find at least three, but usually more. It's a good reminder that sometimes it isn't as bad as we imagine it is.

These are just some of the things that have helped me along my journey of healing. I still suffer, I still have bad days, everything isn't all rainbows and sunshine all the time, especially with bipolar disorder. But the way I am able to handle the bad days, the depressive lows now is what has changed. The way I can sit here and do self-reflection. The way I can be at a place of peace with everything. The way I no longer hate myself. The way I am finally learning to fully love myself. The way I am learning to be someone I am proud of. The way I am learning to be a better friend, a better partner, a better sister, a better daughter, a better aunt. The way I admit when I am wrong and try to be or do better next time. I have learned what it means to live a life I deserve. The life I was so scared to live. The life I tried to escape from. I have learned what it means to make conscious decisions. To not be selfish. To relieve myself of the bondage of self. To ask for help. To do the work. To heal. To grow. To move forward with grace and compassion.

"We think we are the sum of all the bad things that have happened to us, but that is only true if we have not worked on ourselves. Actually, all that has happened to us and our work on it provide the necessary ingredients for us to emerge as what we were meant to become." - David Richo, How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving.

By looking deep into myself - my pain, my trauma, my struggles, my problems, my alcoholism - and being willing to change - to stop letting fear and trauma hold me back - I have been able to become the person I have always wanted to be, the one I am meant to be.

This is not to say that I haven't made a ton of mistakes along the way, but I have realized my flaws and my imperfections and my character defects. I have seen where I have messed up and created this pain for myself. I have seen where I have too heavily relied on everyone else to "fix" me. I am not perfect, no one is. I try my best though. I think I made my life harder on myself than it needed to be. Maybe I wanted pity, for people to feel bad for me. Maybe I wanted to use it all as an excuse to be shitty. I don't want that anymore. I want a life of peace and I'll put in the work I need to, to achieve that.

I can confidently say that I don't need what anyone can't give me because I can give it to myself now. For years, I made my problems everyone else's. I expected too much from other people because I couldn't give myself what I needed. I have the emotional support I so desperately looked for in others in myself now. That is huge. I don't want to not live anymore. I want to live, completely and fully. I want to be present in my own life. I want to continue learning and growing to become the best possible version of myself. I couldn't have done that without destroying myself, killing the old me. I am still me, but I am me at the core. I am the person I was terrified of being. I have found myself. I have found love in myself. In the words of Derek Smith (Mod Sun) - "I finally loved myself the way I loved getting high".

"I kept leaving the moment, chasing some version of peace that didn't exist. Now I'm learning that peace was never "out there". It was in the parts of me I kept trying to numb." - @the.recovery.club on Instagram - specific post linked here.

Hopefully this story helps inspire anyone that is struggling. You are not alone. There is hope. I am living proof of that hope. I never thought I would be here. I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but I am still here. You can still be here, too. You can get through this. I believe in you and I am here for you. The darkness will not last forever, find your light (Hint: most of the time it already resides within you, you just have to search for it).

With all my love,

Maddie - Founder of No Lives Lost

Disclaimer: This is what worked for me. It may not work for everyone. We are all different. We all heal differently. This was simply just an outline of things I did that worked for me.